How To Quarantine: an unhelpful guide

Day 1:

Turn on the local news channel to confirm that the lockdown has been extended for two extra weeks (which was completely expected). And complain like you’re surprised.

Common topics to complain about include:

• The government

• School

• The economy

• Plans you made knowing full well this was going to happen.

Then, start praying that your mum has forgotten to inform your tuition teacher that online classes will continue. Proceed to listen to her make the call.

Day 2:

Move your complaints onto your Instagram stories. Follow them up with an inspirational quote under a filter-thickened post. Afterwards, munch on Pringles while replying to comments like “Hot” and “Yass my babe” below your post because #quarantinegoals. Watch as everyone does the same and comment on theirs to return the favour. Remember to practice the piano because you do not want your parents to bring your lovely leisure time up in an argument later claiming that they never see you on anything but your phone.

Day 3:

Dress up in some cute spandex to feel better about yourself (with the tag still on because, let’s be real, you never work out.) Gradually, regret kicks in as the tight fabric suffocates your poor legs, which makes you change into your primary school PE shirt and granny pants. Hours later, after winding down a rabbit hole of brownie videos, spend 30 minutes searching for "abs without workout and diet" on YouTube.

Day 4:

You get bored and have a sudden urge to discover your hidden talent so you decide to try the brownie recipe you stumbled upon the other day. You did mess up the kitchen but hey, at least the brownies turned out ok. Maybe this is your destiny! Maybe you were meant for this all along, and you just didn’t know it. So, you fantasize about becoming a famous baker and screaming at MasterChef contestants while Gordon Ramsey looks on approvingly. Then, quickly snap back to reality because your mum is nagging at you to get ready for tuition one hour early.

Day 5:

Avoid past year papers like the plague because you failed a quiz in class, to the shock of your teacher, and you prefer being in denial. Stress overtakes you for a few split seconds; you regret procrastinating, you feel as if it’s all too late, you have royally screwed up and now...you’re doomed.

Suddenly! Something magical happens and you’re filled with confidence; you feel as if you can cram a years’ worth of revision in a few months and that you might be a prodigy. Then, spend a stress-free day reassuring yourself and scrolling through tiktok to avoid your problems.

Day 6:

I don't know man, I've run out of ideas :P

Day 7:

Rinse and repeat.

Writer: Celeste Tan

Editors: Yelil Perumal, Huan Huan

Photograph: We Heart It